i'm so tired and sore i can't even be bothered to type an update! suffice to say we did major damage. how's this: i can actually see the garden path, edges and pavers in the courtyard again! whee!

very full from dinner at Friendly Khmer Noodle House. yummy pad thai with no beansprouts! we're concerned about the level of MSG, which has caused us both sleepless nights recently, but I'm feeling ok for now so don't think about it until I have to. a few headachy days too. wonder if its got anything to do with running out of meds!

Have been having lots of weird and awful dreams. A few fitful restless nights recently. A few tired grumpy days. The days are counting down though. I wonder if when all this is over and I'm on holiday, will I mind the bad/cold weather still? Probably. It was down to like 6 degrees today! Spring! Hello!

I'm editing my final assignment, then I've got some notes to highlight for my open book exam, and preparation for the very last viva. sigh. not inspired.

anyway it's been ok. top on the list for things that help/sustain me = God. second is my sweet husband, and he's been soooo good and supportive and loving and caring even when I'm downright Miss Grumpy Pants. I know it, I feel it. I'm so blessed. (third is my laptop, which my husband bought for me!)

ok back to work. sigh.

Sitting in a tucked away corner in the library by myself and a whole lot of stuff. the girls who had been opposite me are now gone so it's nice and quiet. it's always nice and quiet in the library in the later part of the semester, which i enjoy. but i also find it slightly depressing to see cars filled with stuff leaving dunedin for the summer. and people pulling stuff and boxes out of flats. and more and more power points free in the library.

this semester i was so uninspired for my assignments. i only enjoyed writing one, and that one i think doesn't really fit the assessment outline. another one i rewrote in 3 hours in a burst of rage about my stupid lecturer who goes on and on about "don't use references from the internet, i'm biased against wikipedia etc..." and where are his references in the lectures from? #@$%$ internet @#$@ of course!!! this is my latest pet peeve. people who 1) are hypocrites about internet sources 2) are ignorant or lazy or slack about referencing. and about this i mean lecturers who reference this and that person (1965) or whatever, and i know for certain they never read the original document. because the document is like unpublished!!!! so how can you reference it? they have obviously read about so and so's theory in some other person's book, so reference that! SO ANNOYING! for this assignment i decided to get to the very root of the source, a certain Tuckman (1965). had to recall the book out from storage but i have it, the psychological bulletin from that year. and i'm sure NONE of the lecturers who throw this reference around have EVER read the actual article.

i'm sure lots of people just reference "so and so's lecture slides", which is to me sloppy, plus the lecturers are also (hypocritically again) always going on about "check your source! is it valid? is it reliable? primary source vs wikipedia etc etc...."

*rage*

and i'm whiny cos i have TWO very similar assignments about groups.

oh but it's turned out warm so i'm happy about that. and we did a mystery shop on a flash car just now so that was fun doing the test drive. and we get $70 for it! not bad for driving around in a flash sports car!

so my life has its redeeming features. well i know i have a great life. i'm just grumpy due to this assignment, so all the more i must finish it by hook or by crook, whatever that means. my poor man is taking much grumpiness from me these few weeks!

Today we didn't see a single patient.

After MDT it was lots of paperwork clearing up cases and tying up loose ends. Must say I was helpful to my supervisor helping her make calls and write up notes and discharge people.

My final evaluation was at 2.30 and it went fast. She graded me as high as or higher than I'd graded myself last night (I bet most students don't even do this but I always do and for this supervisor that's good because she does actually want me to justify myself). Then we spent a good hour at least having a natter about life back in Sg and UK. So much so that we didn't have time for me to put my comments in the form so I brought it home. One last piece of homework I guess. (As an aside we found it amusing that when they'd arrived in NZ they thought cars were expensive and when we arrived we'd thought cars were so cheap here!)

Tomorrow and Thurs will be fun I think. Although we only currently have 8 patients. Interestingly, I'd imagined I would be faced with loads of stroke and Parkinson's patients, maybe a handful of dementia. But for my DFO worksheet which asked me to describe a condition that is "common in your setting" and that I was "not familiar with", I had to honestly and sincerely say it wasn't anything neuro at all. I must honestly say it was colorectal cancer. Of the 8 patients discussed at MDT today I noticed that 2 had colostomy and 2 had ileostomy. Only half the caseload  had normal plumbing down there!

This leads me to think about how horrible it is to have a stoma bag (ie bag attached to hole in your body direct into the plumbing to catch the poo as and when it arrives) and to live with one and to manage one, which is like after they take out the cancerous part of your colon or intestines or remove your rectum or whatever it is that they removed so that you can't poo like other people. Leads me also to how I learned it was the second leading cause of cancer deaths in the US. And how people's diets are killing them! But that is a whole other long thing for another time. Just don't downplay unhealthy bowels. As I read, one of the functions of your rectum is to "alert you when you need to poo". I'm so glad mine functions well! Imagine having a bag hanging off your side and it fills up with solid, liquid or gas whenever it feels like with total disregard for what you are currently engaged in, lunch, chatting, showering!

Anyway. 

Got a few home visits planned and hopefully the weather will hold. But the weekend looks set to be RAINY RAINY RAINY. Lucky I'm doing washing now so it'll dry by time I'm home tomorrow.

3 more sleeps! Stoked!

today was really fun and productive. i came in, saw my first shower assessment, was whisked away to an OT study day with MH OTs from nelson and here, learned about Interactive Drawing Therapy, MOHOST and had a two hour lunch at Wither Hills winery (ooh flashy! these people know how to plan a study day) and ended the day with supervision during which I received some positive comments that my supervisor had received from other staff. :)

tomorrow, i go in at 830 to watch an old man (who doesn't know it yet but who will be my case study) have a shower after his stroke. 91 year old man. Lovely! But I'll only be maybe an hour (yes it took us that long today with the old lady this morning) and then I can come home and if I want, go back to bed and have my sleep in then. Ha.

I felt a bit awkward during the shower assessment today but not as much as I'd expected to feel. Just a little because I wasn't expecting to see a catheter+bag and a stoma bag. Eep! 

Funny that I thought the most common diagnosis in the ward on my placement would be stroke. It really seems to be rectal/colon/some other bit downstairs cancer. 

Only 2 weeks more to go and not even two full weeks and I have yet to do my case study nor my activity analysis nor my education session, not to mention study for DFO... Oh but I'm gonna and I'm gonna love it too! Hooray for 3 day weekends (even if it begins with watching a 91 year old man shower)!

off then to work. it's so interesting, really. especially the cryptic abbreviations. hooray for online medical encyclopedias!

I feel positive and excited! we're over the hill now!

Week 2 is over! So fast, as usual. Midway already yesterday, went okay but full steam ahead in the next three weeks to achieve all the objectives. One case study, one education session and one activity analysis. Hope the right clients pop up soon!

This week I did some MMSE on my own, some education sessions, some initial interviews, wrote some notes. Did more home visits, attended more equipment demonstrations. Didn't know they were using Tempur for pressure care now. Ha! 

Been cold, but fine and sunny in the daytime. No summery weather. Below zero temperatures at night.

Going out for drinks this evening with N. Tomorrow hopefully going for gentler walks in the hills if the weather is good. 

Progressing on my sweater.

Getting along well with flatmates and work mates. All going well. Pangs of missing the husband now and again, like everytime I walk through the old hospital (morning and evening) and smell patient dinners. 

Yesterday I decided to go for a long walk around the neighbourhood, round the cemetery and the long way to the shops. It was beautiful and inspiring, but I got bored 10 minutes into the walk and realised why. My sweetie wasn't beside me, that's why. So despite the sweet fragrance and lovely colours of spring, everything is just that wee bit duller when I'm not with him.
 

guess i should update.

this semester is structured exactly the same as last semester, so 4 weeks in class, then placement (with 1 week holiday/travel time before and after) for 5 weeks, then back to class and straight onto the home stretch, assignments and exams. i didn't like it last semester, and i struggled very much with getting back to the right mode (ie last lap instead of just beginning) maybe cos i had 10 days off in between. struggled horribly also with health and mood but in the end in my weakness God provided me with strength so that because of Him and his grace and blessings, i came back with better results than in year 1. Got 3 A+s and 3 As. Topped in a few subjects.

more and more i realise i am nothing without Him, and thank God, goodness and everything that i don't have to do anything on my own strength. i couldn't manage for sure!

i'm now at the end of my first week of placement and because God picked this one out for me specially, it's been nothing short of excellent. great OT team, i'm fitting in nicely, they're all interesting and talk about stuff i am actually interested in such as chickens and lambs (!!) and great MDT, the nurses and docs are approachable and lovely, i'm having a good time socialising and learning much about conditions and stuff as well! how's that for incredible! the charge nurse manager even brought me a model of a colon when i asked her what 'diverticulitis' was! i'm going to name him Charlie the Colon, he lives in the nurses' station now. There's also a ward cat called Norman and at home there's a black cat called "Blue". funny animals, they are. skulking around suspiciously looking suspicious of everyone/thing and at the same time acting suspiciously as well. 

this week has been full of patient contact, assessments of different types, OT issues and interventions of different sorts, i think in the first week i learned more than in my 4 weeks at WH! crazy. i'm also more confident now about my own knowledge and contribution and about asking things i don't know.

i'm living in a huge L shaped brick house and takes me no more than 5 minutes to get from home to the office. when we leave for the day (and i like how the OTs leave at 4.30 on the dot, because these people have lives and real things to do after work, like feeding the lambs, and there's no need to ALB) we part at the main entrance because they are walking to the car and me to the house. i reckon we take the same amount of time to get to our destinations. we take our keys out but mine are house keys and theirs car keys. it's really refreshing to get home in the time i would have taken to reach the car! 

been eating well, treating myself to lots of veggies and fruit and good proper meals. i usually take a sandwich in for lunch, consisting of non-white bread, pesto, cheese, salami, tomato and baby spinach. yum! and a pottle of yogurt. and at morning tea i have some dark chocolate thins to dip into my coffee/tea, and muesli bars/bananas for afternoon tea and right after work. i get home and go for a jog immediately. doesn't take long and i'm home before sunset.

think i might sleep earlier tonight though i'm only due in at 830. bit of a fieldtrip tomorrow, doing a cognitive assessment on a deaf woman through her daughter and then going on a home visit. done by lunchtime yay! Saturday hopefully go for a walk in the hills as the weather looks promising and sunny.  

alors, c'est aujourd'hui. mon chéri rentre! il fallait me réveiller tôt ce matin pour bosser mais je ne l'ai pas fait. pas assez tôt en tout cas. c'est pas ma faute! notre lit est trop confortable, c'est toujours une lutte pour nous lever.

ça ne fait que 5 nuits mais il me sens très long. je le trouve un peu difficile à croire que nous allons nous réunir ce soir. on va chez Plato pour dîner. un rendez-vous! 

ce sont les derniers jours avant le fin du semestre et il me reste pas beaucoup de temps. je travaillais lentement mais au moins je fais du progrès. j'ai quatre devoirs et deux examens, et puis c'est fini, on part d'ici jusqu'à la capitale pendant une semaine. Yay!

mais pour le moment, je travaille, et j'attends. loo dee doo dee doo.
 

1. Carrying me through a full day of classes, even though I woke up with a headache.
2. Giving me the words to say during my two presentations and in answer to questions by lecturer.
3. Blessing me with a full hot lunch.
4. Giving me a bonus 2.5 hours off today, one in the morning and the rest by finishing early.
5. Allowing me to catch the bus right away so I didn't have to wait around.
6. Helping me up the hill with my ENORMOUS bag.
7. Guiding me to find kindling in the back yard (!!) for making a fire. Seems to be going well despite sizzling sounds. No smoke though.
8. Answering my prayers
9. ALWAYS providing my needs whether I ask or not. That's not just today.

Therefore it's all Him that I lived through today. It's been a long one I must say. But He also helped me to do some sowing and food prep when I got home. And I feel enough energy thanks to Him to do some homework! That is incredible seeing as I really wanted to come home at 9am this morning and head to bed that's all I could imagine managing to do...

Praise God who sustains me :) All honour and glory is His. 

I'm soooo happy to be home again. Felt like I'd been away much, much longer than I actually have, and I think that's because I was so engaged in life in Welly, which is good, but it's even better being home with my sweetie again.

L was off yesterday so although the weather was horrible, we dressed sensibly and headed out after a long, slow morning together, into the country. Had a bit of a drive and then we went into town and mucked about. I love mucking about with him. We checked out the new mall (flash but still bare), went into some shops having sales and finally got him a black cardigan that I must say is rather metro, but of course looks good on him, and a slinky sleep top for me. Nice! Had a dinner date at my favourite restaurant then headed home early to spend more quality couple time together. It's been really enjoyable catching up and talking and enjoying each other's company knowing we don't have to say goodbye again for at least a few weeks. It's a luxury and a blessing to go to sleep together and wake up together and spend the day together. Today he's at work but it's a glorious sunshiney day and I'm making good use of it to unpack, do some washing, cleaning, spruce up the house a bit, not that he let it go to pot when I was away (and contrary to many women/wives warning me otherwise, I did not come home to a pigsty. My husband's not that kind of guy fortunately.) I came home to vacuumed rooms, a scrubbed bath (he knew that was high on my priority list post-journey), no heaps of dishes in the sink (instead they were clean in the dishwasher) and even some pretty tulips on my bedside table! Plus, bubbly in the fridge and chocolates in the bedroom. Mmmmm. *bliss out*

Today we had breakfast together and when he headed to work I began work too. Been rather productive in terms of housework. :) But not rushed or stressed, just cruising along. Which is great. We've also been blessed with another long weekend to look forward to, beginning this evening and lasting till Monday! I'm so glad I came home on Wed instead of Sunday, which was the original plan. I'm so glad my supervisor was leaving Welly on Wed so I could too (in fact we were on the same plane).

Wandered out into the garden to check things out earlier. The weeds are bigger so I know the soil's getting more fertile with all that compost we put on it. Ha. Well that's fine cos I'm not planting for awhile. We had some courgettes from the garden yesterday and today I might pick some tomatoes and bring them in to ripen since the heat isn't reliable (fine and sunny this weekend, but a max of 15 degrees - it's definitely autumn).

I also picked my first apple of the season from our tree out front. The apples are bigger and less diseased than last year, and I didn't do anything to it. Therefore I conclude that last year they didn't do so well because the previous owners had put chemicals on it and the tree was still trying to get over that, it's managed to do that and recover over this year so this season the apples are gorgeous! I ate the one I picked fresh off the tree, and it was delicious. Crunchy, sweet and tart. Lovely lovely lovely! Thank God for growing such beautiful yummy apples for us :)

Hopefully this weekend we can head out for a daytrip to a special place we discovered in summer out in the country. It's a beautiful spot by a river whose name we didn't know, so we named it after a black dog we saw splashing around in it. It's a great spot to sit and enjoy the view with a picnic! I've really missed L's cooking. Though I've eaten well in Welly and taken care of myself in terms of cooking proper dinners with lots of veggies and having lots of sleep, it can't beat having a gourmet meal cooked with style and love from the husband. He's really good at that. I always tell him I'll definitely come back to his restaurant again lol :p

Off to put out a second load of washing. Praise God from whom all blessings flow! Today many years ago, He sent his only son Jesus to die and pay the price of our sins. So that we can celebrate the victory of Jesus' blood over death and destruction. I'm looking forward to celebrating with God's people on Resurrection Sunday.

Count your blessings, people!

I love free wifi, which is what Wellington Airport offers (plug plug plug!)

Got a ride with the family so that saved me a lot of road stress (hate rush hour! definitely won't miss that when I'm back in good old Dunners) and got me here nice and early. Sat around abit with them and sent S off then P left and I am sitting in the evening sun on my lappy rather happy. Got some food and snacks and things so all set for the next 1.5 hours or so. Got my fat book I haven't even got halfway through, or an article on my desktop, qualitative research on seclusion experiences in Lesotho, or this, the world wide web. And my iPod.

Something smells familiar, and nice and warm. Smells like... lu3 ya1 or cha2 ye4 dan4, both of which would be rather unusual here, but not entirely impossible.

Feel rather organised cos I remembered to tie up all loose ends at work. ended the day quite nicely, with just the boss and my supervisor, and the boss had read a card I had written to the whole team and given to my other supervisor at lunch, and she really liked it and said to remember them when I was looking for a job in 1.5 years time; I said I would promote this placement to the juniors, and certainly it's set a very high standard for me and later placements are going to be hard pressed to match up, certainly I don't imagine that placements are meant to get higher and higher in standard, there'll be some shitty ones I'm sure but maybe with a proper caseload and more responsibility and more client contact it'll be more fun. But anything acute already sort of sets itself up for my disapproval. When I got home (had rushed up the hill, sort of) it was all quiet and the garage door was closed so I thought I'd missed both of them, saying goodbye, but after I finished packing I went upstairs to make my sandwich to take with me and voila they were both there! They agreed to wait for me to go together but in the end I was ready before S was, and I managed to strip the bed as well and put the linen in the laundry. I'm happy about that. Had meant to take the rubbish out but someone'd beat me to it.

The whole day was running a bit late or tight on time, but it's all good cos I prayed and God's doing His thing and the weather's great, I never got wet or blown about in the wind, got a ride, here early, remembered everything, it's sweet!

How sweet it is to be loved by Him!

Yesterday I didn't feel like I had any reflections to write. Which is a first. I often feel too lazy/confused to write them, but feeling like I haven't any, is still a first. Today, I feel the same.

I wonder if I am all reflected out with all the ethical issues I have been reflecting on.

I think after the follow up on Wed with S and seclusion policy, my brain is tired. Monday was a super long day, as in we left at 6pm. Tuesday was long in terms of there were 3 big goals and lots of travelling. Wednesday was long in terms of different foci during the day and having to switch from one mode to another to another. So somehow two days ago it felt like a Thurs, and yesterday felt like a Fri. But alas they are not. I still feel this weird time lapse/warp because even though I've felt like the wrong day for a couple of day, it's still persisting. It feels like a Saturday today and going into work is sure going to feel strange tomorrow, cos it's a feels-like-Sunday. I'm off! Like jetlagged except I haven't been on a plane. My body clock is a bit off. I find myself having dinner earlier and earlier and getting hungry earlier too, because the days are getting shorter and as it gets dark I get hungry for dinner. Daylight saving occurs this weekend, and I don't know the effect that will have on my body clock.

In other news, my real "last week" has begun. Today is my last Thursday and tomorrow will be my last Friday in Wellington. Tomorrow meeting a friend for dinner in town, for a break. Saturday, gotta prepare for my final assessment. Sunday, church, rest and possibly see the Impressionists at Te Papa finally, it's my last chance. Monday is my final assessment, then Tuesday, already booked up with appointments, Wednesday, one last supervision, possible drua in the morning, possible shared lunch, certainly leaving at 3pm to make my plane at 7pm.

Tick tick tick! I'll be home with my sweetie in no time at all. And that's a big bonus but I'll miss being part of the team here, it's been great :)

God honoured me lots today!

In the morning I was chatting to the woman who sits behind me in the office. I don't work directly with her, cos she does stats and business reports, but we do have morning coffees together sometimes and we have talked quite a bit over the time I've been here. I was telling her that my last day was next Wed and she exclaimed was it my last week already? and time has gone so fast! and i said yes i felt the same and then she said i seem like one of the staff and I thought that was so sweet because that meant I had fit in well with the team and got on and been accepted as one of the staff. All this time I have always felt that I haven't once been treated as "just the student" even though that's how I introduce myself everytime I'm at the receptionist's desk using the computer and someone comes in with a delivery or something wanting a signature. Lol.

Later during supervision, my supervisor who's also one of two service leaders (the second level below the Wellington regional manager) said that if I were qualifying soon, I would have a job if I wanted one, and said that the other service leader had asked how long more before I qualified. Well, seeing as I'm in second year, semester one, quite awhile to go. But it was a great honour cos while we hear of people getting jobs from their last placement of year 3, I haven't yet heard of people getting job offers from the first placement in year 2! I'm absolutely stoked and I'm glad to hear that cos I can really imagine myself working with this team, though it's a bit harder imagining myself living here. Well there are other bits and suburbs I haven't checked out yet, so maybe it's possible yet.

And then this evening I received an email from a girl I had met at the human rights workshop yesterday, her company is a private peer-led service that organised it and we had had a lovely 2 hour chat after the workshop in the office with other people chiming in as and when. It's a very open office and obviously a tight team. No hiding away behind partitions and in cubicles. She said in her email that everyone in the office had said "how great you were" and that I had the stamp of approval from the company, which means something to me because they are all consumers.

I am so inspired to be part of this revolution gathering momentum. It was really heartening reading a publication by the Mental Health Consumer Advocacy group that said what I thought, and felt. I agree with this stuff! No more cognitive dissonance like being forced to dehumanise and depersonalise clients because the INSTITUTION says so. I love it! This is interesting day to day stuff (I interviewed a lady by myself today because my supervisor was tied up by an impromptu visit from the psychiatrist and she told me very clearly and certainly how she went to work at Parliament twice a week at 7am, and even elaborated on her portfolio, which is Education. It wasn't crazy blabbering or a joke, but a firm, fixed delusion. Said in the same tone, voice and breath as telling me she went shopping for groceries once a week and watched telly in the evenings) but real cutting edge life changing macro stuff and its great! We are on the cusp of a historical milestone like female emancipation, end of apartheid etc. Woohoo!

I want to be part of this. Thank God for blessing me with this experience and all the wonderful opportunities and people placed in my path!

Finally figured out what the whirring, almost gentle roaring sound in the mornings is. I always thought it was someone showering upstairs, and that's close, because its the gas going for the central heating I reckon. Sounds like muffled plane taking off. Not loud, but always makes me think I should get up cos others are up already. Found out this morning that is not true. I had my breakfast and made my lunch without meeting or hearing a single human stirring. Even the dog continued sleeping.

Today I am being picked up by my two supervisors early at 745 down the hill to attend the closing blessing ceremony of one of the residential services that is moving to a spanking new purpose built house. I've attended a ward blessing before so I think there'll be no surprises. Then my supervisor, post-midway (which went ok - neither fabulous nor dire), has arranged for me to have more client contact time this week, which I'm happy and excited about. Since this is the start of the return trip (past the halfway mark) I should up the ante and pick up my pace and really get stuck in and make the most of my time, instead of cruising through another two weeks I reckon. Plus I need to find a client to go through the entire OT process with, just to show my competence for my final assessment. They aren't worried so that's a good sign. And already my week is filling up. There'll be one initial interview and two AMPS assessments today planned, if the clients do show up for the appointments.

Tomorrow, walking group in the morning. Thursday possibly two appointments with A from mobile services. Monday, ring the new OT from respite and arrange to come over. At some stage I also have to get hold of the social worker and arrange to come shadow him. All that, and do my project, write up a summary of the Mental Health Act, attend a human rights workshop for mental health users, find out about various things, talk to various people etc etc. Busy! But as my classmate and I were saying yesterday this placement is going better for both of us this time, she's not stressed and I'm not bored. Sweet!

Definitely not bored. So much to do, so little time. I've got my exam prep to do too. Argh! *breathe* must maintain this current good level of stress. Ohm.

Not too bad a Saturday, woke to blue skies. Clouding over now though and rain is expected over the rest of the weekend. My mood often mirrors the sky, and that is probably a good reason to move to Nelson region which gets the most sunny days in all of NZ.

Got some work to do, and I'll do it too.

Got up about 9am and read the Bible, then went to make myself a proper weekend breakfast. Fried tomato, sauteed mushrooms with pesto, two eggs sunny side up and two slices of toast. Strangely, it didn't taste anything like what I expected it to taste. Not the same when one is eating alone I guess. Cooking the tomato halves and mushrooms on the pan over the gas fire reminded me of cooking on the gas barbeque out at Pah Rd.

Bought a book Middlesex by the guy who wrote the Virgin Suicides from Borders yesterday. Went in with an intent to buy a book, but nothing in particular in mind. My criteria were: fat (to last me the next two weekends at least), light (taking it in my luggage), complex (to engage my mind) but not entirely about love affairs/sexual escapades/adultery. That last one was born as I meandered around the aisles. I couldn't have known before I began looking that *that* many books were about love affairs/sexual escapades/adultery. Books pretending to be good solid novels too. I'm tired of love affairs/sexual escapades/adultery! Get on with yer lives and do something else meaningful! Take up a hobby, meet friends, discuss politics, have a cook out, get in the workshop, go see an exhibition, have a walk, clean the house, join a class, pick some flowers, take up knitting, hop on a train to somewhere you've never been to. And stop navel gazing!!!!

Sigh. Cranky. I don't want to work, I empathise with the dog who's lying next to me and who gets up periodically to whimper to me, or goes downstairs and whimpers to P. The dog is bored, and don't I know it. And I feel the same way buddy. Well, not bored, just inert. But I know I'll feel better when the work's done, so the trick is to not think about it, and just do it. No I don't feel like it, oh but I'm gonna.

This week I only spent 2 days at my own placement and only 1 with my supervisor. I spent one day at the acute psychiatric ward in town and another at the adolescent acute mental health unit out at Kenepuru.

Both days were very depressing for me.

The first, was depressing because after being away from acute wards and coming back to it I was struck by how it really was the same, whether it was physical or mental health, whether it was Auckland or Wellington, small or big hospital, whether the staff wore uniforms and name badges or casual clothes (and keys around their necks), it was still the same old thing - institutionalisation.

Lack of respect for patients, gossiping about them, not listening, not giving them your full attention, walking away before they can respond to a (closed, rhetorical) question you ask, judging patients by things that really are a matter of personal choice and not a matter of mental health.

At lunchtime I wanted to go home, or back to my own placement, because I was so depressed.

The second day, I was depressed because after hanging out with the kids for a day and playing games, singing songs, eating together, doing stuff together, you realise that is what they really are - just kids. And it's so depressing that they aren't out there doing what other kids their age do. They can't, maybe. They even have to get permission and find someone with a key to get outside into the sun in the courtyard. Like the other acute ward, all the doors are locked! And then of course one particular girl was very depressing because she was catatonic and people who may or may not understand what that is all about were forcing her to do all kinds of things, walking, moving, eating.

My question in mental health is: If a person has the right to refuse treatment for cancer or asthma or whatever, how come a person doesn't have the right to refuse treatment for mental health symptoms? Because they will harm others? Okay fine, they get put under the compulsory treatment order. Because they will harm themselves? Well who made you their mother? A person here has the right to kill themself. Suicide is legal. Treatment can be refused, so why can't food?

There may be times when I am tempted to force a person to do something "for their own good" but I hope I don't get sucked into it. Who made me boss of them or knowing what is best for them? Who says healthcare staff are experts? I reckon rather that the nature of the job attracts power hungry people, who don't really care, and only want to make decisions for people. Not all, but quite a few. To these people I say, go get a life! And make decisions for yourself, spend more time on that, you might benefit from that. Probably their own lives aren't even well thought out. If I ever want to do something "for your own good" may it not be because I treat you as a friend - that's another line not to be crossed. Get things straight. You're a worker, not a mother, not a boss, not an expert and certainly not a friend.

Today I was blue. I think the DP is wearing off and my period is coming. Uncharacteristically, I had carrot cake with icing for dinner and a glass and a half of a lovely Central Otago Pinor Noir and some of yesterday's leftovers when I got back here. Interestingly I had made a beef stew and brown rice, when I was packaging the leftovers I put the rice into the stew to save containers. And today it's become a risotto, lovely! Brown rice doesn't disintegrate as easily as white so still a lovely texture. Also got bought a nice fat book from Borders when I was in town, for downtime, and found of all things, a KnitWorld shop off Cuba St amidst all these quirky shops! Contemplating what combination of merino, cashmere, cotton, silk, possum, alpaca I want for my cardigan at the mo. Won't be able to start until at least I get back to Dunedin.

To bed early then. That would be best for me. And no one can decide that for me, but me. (And God, but He's the ultimate boss so no worries there).

And it has been faster than week one if that's even possible and i've been so tired. Week one I clocked up 37.5 clinical hours when I only need 28. So this week I've been given Fri off and my midway assessment has been moved to Monday. Spent today in the acute ward and I must say after being away and then coming back to the acute setting, even though last time it was medical/physical, it's really the same. Two different wards, settings, hospitals, cities, and it's still the same old thing. Imbalance of power, institutionalisation of staff, breezing in and out, ALB.... I was so depressed at lunch time I wanted to go home, or back to my own placement. But it picked up after lunch because 1) we were taking a van out to the coast and buying chocolate on the way 2) I, like other people, am incredibly adaptable and can be sucked into behaving exactly like what I abhorred in the morning! I didn't exactly though, but I was aware the whole time I was absolutely capable of doing so, and would probably, were I working in that setting. Don't think anyone is immune, I'm just fresh enough to observe and realise. It hit me, really. And I think that confirms I don't want to put myself in that kind of setting where I am liable to and will be encouraged to dehumanise and depersonalise patients as part of my coping mechanism.

I mean it was interesting, and in the morning I had a really good time in the art workshop making my first clay dish (I always wanted to learn pottery) with an assortment of staff and patients, but the entire atmosphere made me sad. Not because of the patients, the patients are great! but because of the whole politics and structure and institution of hospital. At least, acute wards. I don't know if rehab wards will be better because you get to know the patients better as humans, or worse because they are "not going anywhere fast" and hence we can make them wait even longer to be seen.

Well that's that. Tomorrow I spend the day with a classmate and her supervisor over at the adolescent MH ward in again a different hospital. Hope that is less depressing, though already I'm suspecting it's more of the same. Hopefully I will be wrong. Then Friday I thought I might head into the art studio in town which hosted today's session (the art teacher comes every week) and try other things. It was so therapeutic! I think I would enjoy working with wood, or stone, or clay. Something from the ground. Like the sensation of digging your bare hands into warm soil, feels really good. There's this sense of being alive and connected to the ground and that's a great feeling. I think living too far away from the ground (in every sense of "far away") makes us sick (in various ways). I think that's where the idea "to be grounded" comes from, and I don't mean being forbidden by parents to go out. It's amazing that they provide an open studio and materials and tutors for anyone to wander in and try something. It's completely free and you don't have to be an artist, or a mental health consumer to go. I'd love to go and spend the morning and just blend in and hang out with other people all relaxed and being ourselves.

will think about it more. for now to bed, it's an early start tomorrow.

The weekend was rather sociable and I got out and about. On Sat I took the bus to Porirua, then train to Paraparaumu, then bus to B's sister's house. Met the brother in law and niece and nephew and contrary to what I was led to believe (that I was there for coffee), we hit the road immediately! It was a beautiful day (and weekend, the heat's back oh yeah baby!) and we walked along the Waikanae river. The men took bicycles while us girls walked along and chatted very sociably. Walked past a Christian campsite called El Rancho and walked all the way up to where G does vaulting. For other people like me who didn't know what vaulting was, it's gymnastics/acrobatics on a horse! Like a circus! I was so impressed with tiny skinny girl doing that kind of thing. No one was vaulting at the club so too bad for me, I was keen to see what it looked like.

After our huge walk we got back to the house and sat down for a snack, then soon B and I had to leave to catch the bus to the train. She was heading into town for a family do while I was going home. The train was almost an hour late, or else two trains didn't show up (they're meant to be every half hour) but luckily we were together so we chatted about everything. She said the trains weren't the most reliable cos they had to make way for other trains, like the two we *did* see - one was a tourist steam train and another was the overlander from Auckland. Cheh!

Public transport I must say is pretty expensive here. It cost me $11 each way to/from Paraparaumu for bus/train/bus each way. B's train ticket to Wellington cost $10 one way! Incredible. And there are people who commute to the city to work everyday. I wonder if driving can be much cheaper than that? Probably better not to think about it.

Sunday morning woke up feeling confused because my phone decided to daylight save unilaterally. It's really not til 5 April but for some reason it took the liberty of going back one hour while I was asleep so I woke up confused. Went upstairs, found other people and confused them too. But we all made it to church with no problem. Met a Malaysian couple with two young girls who've been here 5 years. The man was telling me all about how to get citizenship and all the tips and tricks. Reminded me a bit of my dad, the mover-shaker type of man. Turns out they go to the same home group as the couple I'm staying with. I feel rather at home in this church despite being there only for the second time. Could be because the group is small and people very friendly and service very interactive and participative. Could be because I found people to talk to and engage in interesting conversation both last and this week, instead of the usual how-are-you-then-walk-away type of interaction with new people. Everyone showed lots of interest in my course and what I'm doing here and I feel very welcome indeed. Maybe it's just Wellingtonians. A friendly and welcoming lot.

Then bussed into town (distinctly felt the "wah big city" feeling welling up in me as the bus entered the CBD) and met up with S and K for coffee in Cuba St. Lovely sunny day and was nice to be out in town. Missed the husband a lot though cos of all the interesting places we had been to together last time we were in Welly and all the interesting places we have yet to explore!

Came home mid afternoon and did quite a lot of work. Prepared for supervision which went well today. My main supervisor was sick and didn't come in so had a lot of time to read articles and things, in the afternoon had supervision and then went home early. Thought I'd do something different since I'd spent the whole morning working hard so went and sat in the library and flipped through two magazines. The gardening one inspired and entertained me somewhat, but the house one made me depressed that I wasn't home with my sweetie! So I left and came back here to relax and enjoy some peace without little kids running and screaming. Libraries here are not like when I was growing up that's for sure.

Bit tired today, cos of brain overload, hopefully tomorrow I'll be out and about with J and doing some fun stuff. Got a visit to the acute ward planned on Wed, will spend a day there, which is perfect cos I'm meeting some (more) Malaysians for dinner in town. Sociable!

Today was strange but not bad. Good, actually.

Woke up feeling as if I'd overslept. It was actually a few minutes my alarm clock was set to go off at 7am. Got up and started the morning routine but kept checking clocks and timers on appliances to see if I was late. This strange feeling I think was produced cos I was woken by the sound of P leaving the house (found out he went out for breakfast and I saw his van driving uphill home as I was walking down later) and reinforced when I saw a note for S to wake A at 830, then seeing S knocking on A's door while I was eating breakfast. I leave the house just before 8 so if S was really waking A at 830 I *was* late! But I wasn't, so it was really strange.

The first week is almost over and today feels like the end of the week, actually. I wonder if despite what I earlier said to my supervisors, I might enjoy a Friday off after all. Maybe half days would be good, anyway I think tomorrow will be a short day. I would have done more than the necessary number of hours for the week already even by the end of today.

God has provided me with all I could ask for though I still miss being in our own home. Small inconveniences or adjustments, but I really couldn't have asked for better - my room is rather separate from the rest of the house (though P's office is next door) and I have my own shower, toilet and a sink area where I make my bedtime drink and have a biscuit. Good because in the evenings the family watches telly upstairs and I socialise with them as much as I want but when I want quiet I can come downstairs and work. They don't bother me when I don't make myself visible so that's good too. This weekend I plan to hang around upstairs a bit more to be more social, and to do some cleaning (the mother seems very keen on a clean house so I like to chip in where I use the space most). I'm a quick walk from the shops and transport and church is down the hill too. I enjoy a lovely walk down and up everyday, getting exercise and a fantastic view of the surrounding hills and valley. Work is 3 bus stops away though the bus goes on the motorway so I don't know if I would walk it. But certainly I see many cyclists and they inspire me to bike to/from work next time if I live in a city (and the route is flat-ish).

The team is great and I'm learning lots. Not that much direct OT work with service users but it's nice to get to know them slowly through being around and seeing them and chatting a bit. Hope to do some weeding with S and some of the residents either tomorrow or Monday to get to know them over activity instead of face to face full on stuff.

This morning had an interesting meeting which involved a true comedy of errors. We found it funny afterwards though. I wrote a note which he said was really good, and that made me really pleased. I'm still in the stage of being stoked with writing good notes. Still novel.

Tomorrow we are taking someone on the train to the Hutt and back. That should be real fun plus it's a true blue OT intervention/assessment. Can't wait!

Day 3 in welly and day 1 on the job...

It was very positive. Work environment homely and comfortable, very well equipped kitchen, even got a freestanding stove and oven! Supervisors lovely and easy to get along with, no generation gap there. My main supervisor is a 24 year old surfer who reminds me of D, down to the sunny disposition and blond beard. He's quitting to go travelling with his girlfriend so placement will finish early. Problem is then that I can't find a cheap flight to go home earlier on! Even if I finish on Wed, my current flight is on Sunday! Argh. I don't want to sit around here and do nothing. It's homely but not my home!

Anyway got the bus ok, got lunch from supermarket, got a bit wet in morning rain, went round visiting services in morning (nice to be riding along in the car instead of sitting indoors), lunch, then went to Porirua to visit more services, then to a cafe with both supervisors for our initial meeting. Then got dropped to J'ville where i got groceries and trudged up the hill. Dinner was made for me (! Haven't had chance to talk to the mum about me making my own food, though I must say it's nice to come home to hot meal) and we all sat down together, chatted a bit with both P and S separately, was nice, a bit like being part of the family. First time eating with the daughter, typical teenager always out, plus this one is active in drama in school and church too. M rang and asked us out for a walk, the parents had home group but I went and met B and M and M's husband. Went for a lovely walk up the hill and along a ridge until it got too windy and we turned back. Didn't see any calves but spotted wild blackberries and true to expectations the intrepid sisters went in among the bushes and thorns in their shorts and picked them. They were lovely ripe and sweet! I must say sweet blackberries is a rarity. Absolutely scrumptious and I was really impressed how M knew what berries were what along the way.

A brisk walk back in the darkening and cooling evening and a nice end to the day. All that prayer certainly never goes to waste :)

(just occurred to me funny how both placements are/were in places beginning with "w")